Half-Assed Post That made me laugh

No apologies for not blogging in months.

I have been sick for the last week and this made me laugh, and I borrowed it from my friend Nikki's blog (lyrics included on her site):

-over and out-

Haikuesday Baby Day!

As many readers of the blog may know (all six or seven of you), my friend Belinda of Blogaphobia fame (even though she hasn't updated in a year) has been expecting a baby. And yesterday, after a good many false starts earlier in the month, she finally decided to arrive!

So today's Haikuesday is for you, Avery Elizabeth Potter. I can't wait to meet you, watch you grow up, and see what a beauiful woman you become.

One day we'll tell you

How the Olympics helped bring

you into this world

Avery Potter

Lovely - But you'll always be

Pepper in our hearts

Love you already baby girl!

-over and out-

Haikuesday 10-18-10

Inspiration is eluding me on this Haikuesday. While I am still #FuriouslyHappy, I also happen, today, to be #FuriouslySleepy as well, and the two are dueling quite, well, furiously.

So while I'm waiting for my body to decide if I should pass out or start smiling, here's some of the poetry that has been interesting me lately. In particular, Sherman Alexie:

Monosonnet for Rodents, Interrupted

By: Sherman Alexie

The

Exterminator

Said,

"You

Don't

Have

Rats,

Sir,

I've only found three skeletons and a cluster of fur. No, I don't think you're paranoid. I believe that you've heard rodent noise. I think you're still playing host for those pests. I still think they're making their nests, but, sir, I've been down a lot of holes, and a lot of rats have been down my shirts, and you need to be told the facts. You don't have rats;

You've

Got

The

Ghosts

Of

Rats."

-over and out-

Furiously Happy Haikuesday

So since last week's determined to be happy post, and a similar vow from The Bloggess (she created the #FURIOUSLYHAPPY hashtag), things have been going swimmingly well in the happy department. I had one of those perfect weekends with trips to the Farmer's Market, my favorite antique store, my favorite bakery, a very scary Haunted House , and a Sunday at the KC Renaissance Festival where I drank too many bottles of Smithwicks, saw a Human Chess Battle Match (awesome), and heard bawdy stories and songs about pirates at the Royal Smoker (double awesome).

And on top of all that, my chorus was named "Best Pipes" of Kansas City in "The Pitch" our alternative weekly newspaper. Woot Woo!

Deciding I will

be furiously happy

improves life a lot.

-over and out-

Happy Haikuesday

As I started out to write today's Haikuesday post, I realized I was planning on some depressing crap about how I was missing some people and there were some other people dying and how I was generally sad about those things. I wrote about three words of a sappy Haiku, then realized that this is the first Haikuesday of October. My FAVORITE Month. And October means that it's Fall! My FAVORITE Season! And Fall means: Pumpkins, Leaves, Apples, Tights, Scarves, Sweaters and Halloween! (In case you haven't guessed, those are my favorite things). So SCREW DEPRESSION! From now on (or at least until the rest of the month), Happy Beth will be in residence, and hopefully she'll stick around.

The world sometimes sucks

so shut your eyes and whistle

Happy Days are Here!

When I wake up

and zombies haven't attacked

It is a good day

Zip-up sweater, tights

Denim skirt and boots - Congrats

Wardrobe! Fall is Here.

-Over and Out -

Haikuesday 9/28/10

Another quick fix this week because I'm uber busy. Had a great weekend though filled with the Plaza Art Fair, Apple Picking, Wineries, Irish Pubs & friends. Sometimes, I really just love my life. :-)

Sunday

Nothing is better

than spending a day with friends

Drinking Apple Wine.

Pop Culture Happy Hour

Each Friday I

wait impatiently for my

PCHH fix.

-over and out-

Haikuesday 9/21/2010 - Breakfast Edition

I've been inspired by my breakfast today.

Some say it's the most important meal.

On Haikusday I will not delay

My favorite morning foods are bound to appeal......to me. ;-)

PBW

Peanut Butter and Waffles

Does a body good.

Greek Yogurt. So smooth.

Where have you been all my life?

On Mount Olympus?

Blueberry Breeze Tea

If all the world's water was

replaced with you. Bliss.*

*But not really, cause that would probably kill the environment.

-Over and Out-

The Case of the Bathroom Banger Bandit

I don't usually blog about trips to the bathroom (I normally just save that for twitter), but something happened today that has tested my patience and my sanity (as you'll see later). If you easily get grossed out by me talking about sitting on the toilet or "doing my business" you might just skip this post and wait around for Haikuesday tomorrow where I'll probably post about flowers or something.

Okay, excellent. Since all the weak of heart people just left, I'll get into the nitty gritty of it.

There are 2 things you need to know about me:

1. My Job Sucks. I'm pretty much stressed out ALL the time, because as soon as I walk into my office and I'm mauled by attacking files that all need to be done RIGHT NOW I want to just walk right back out the door.

2. I hate Loud Noises. I wear earplugs to concerts, and I will put my fingers in my ears at movies sometimes. What I hate most though is unexpected loud noises. Even dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower can freak me out royally. And by "freaked out" I mean I have the sudden urge to a) punch something or b) cry. Or sometimes punch something, then cry because my hand hurts.

So back to the story. Because of item #1, when I take a restroom break, I use that time not only as a time to "do my business," but also as time to "de-stress." I can "sit," take some deep breaths and remember how to relax again. And aside from the weird lady who comes in and starts whispering to herself, or the people that choose to throw away their leftover Indian Food in the bathroom garbage, this method generally works out pretty well.

Well today, I was sitting in my favorite stall, "doing my business" and thinking calm thoughts, when I heard

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.

on the door. (It was not the B-52's.) Somebody was POUNDING on the door. Straight up pounding. Then a male voice piped up "Anybody in there?"

Okay, remember Item #2? Before I could help myself, I started to shake and I croaked out "I.....I'm in here. Excuse me."

I was totally about to do the crying freak out. I could already feel the tears welling up when I heard him say,

"Eh, we'll just come back later."

Later??? My brain was racing and suddenly I felt under pressure to finish immediately. So much for my peaceful 5 minutes of bathroom time. As I tried to calm myself down, another woman came in and did a speed-pee. (A speed-pee is when you actually wonder if her butt made it to the pot before pee started spilling out.) She had come in, out, washed her hands and left by the time I was standing up to flush. Then

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

"I'M STILL IN HERE!!!!!!" I yelled.

The whole Anger part of the freak out was upon me now. I flushed, slammed the stall door and washed my hands in a really angry fashion (This is possible, you just have to splatter water all over and look mean while you do it), just thinking of what I was going to say to the person who had been so rudely interrupting me. I stormed out of the bathroom, but the hallway was empty.

Now I feel like I've missed my opportunity to teach this guy a lesson. It would have been great to tell this guy about manners and about how banging was not polite. After brooding about this for the last hour, I've come up with a plan.

The Plan:

I will innocently go to the bathroom, not bothering to look down the hallway to see if the Bathroom Banger Bandit is hidden behind the water fountain. Of course, I'll already have been spying out my office window, so I'll know he's there. Then, I'll wait in my favorite stall for the familiar pounding to start again. At this point, I'll remain quiet instead of identifying myself. Puzzled, the Banger Bandit will take a step or two inside the bathroom, and that's when I'll strike!! I'll jump screaming from the toilet seat, tampons in both hands. Before he knows what's happening, I'll stick the tampons up his nose and put a maxi-pad over his mouth to keep him from yelling. Then when his howls of pain and humiliation are muffled, I will tie him up with toiletpaper and protective seat covers. I'll leave him like that, tied up in the handicapped stall (nobody ever uses it) so he won't be found for days and as he sits on the cold floor, tears streaming down his face and tampons still sticking up his nose, he'll realize that he should NEVER pound on the ladies bathroom door. Never. Ever. Again.

Vengeance can be so sweet.

-Over and Out-

Haikuesday Jazz 9/14/2010

rockin' pneumonia

Is never quite as fun as

boogie woogie flu

Listening to Jazz music this morning and attempting to make some progress on the pile of files on my desk. What used to be a small hill has now grown into what seems to be the Rocky Mountains. I'm really hoping some of this work will be done by the end of the day, so I'm keeping today's Haikuesday post short.

New Orleans Moment

Red Beans & Rice steams in bowls

Kermit blows his horn

Back to the grindstone or something like that anyway.

-Over and Out-

Hormones. We meet Again.

I felt good yesterday. A little off in the morning, but nothing a shopping trip, a delicious pot of chili and a brownie couldn't cure. Add a hilarious movie and some quality knitting time to that scenario and I'd call yesterday a great day.

Today, I want to stomp on the heads of little animals.

How does a body make such a radical change overnight? Today hasn't been bad. Traffic was good, I drove the nice car to work, and I even had enough sleep. Other than my crappy job (which always brings me down a bit, but shouldn't make me overly angry at the world), there's been nothing about today that has made me want cause harm to others.

And yet I've been on the verge of yelling twice, and I sort of flipped out already this morning. I do not yell. Yelling is not me. But today, I am monster woman. I am swamp thing come up from the depths to devour young teenagers and spit out their remains on my ever-growing bone-pile.

Thus, I am convinced that hormones are the ones screwing with my brain cells. And dealing with hormones doesn't leave much of a solution as to how to fix things (other than locking yourself in a room away from sharp objects). Mother Nature? What purpose do these ridiculous body chemicals serve? Does me turning into a giant Biatch somehow help out the circle of life? I really don't believe that was what Elton John was singing about.

Well, in honor of today's bitchiness, here is some Haikuesdayness:

i'm having trouble

making my Mind write poems

too full to extract

CLA-RAP. Loud noises

frighten my insides, but my

heart grows furious

And just to spice things up, I found this poem while browsing around The Daily Poem.I thought it was pretty appropriate to include with this bad day post.

How to Make Armor

by Jennifer K. Sweeney

Wear your bones like cold-rolled

steel, skin hammered

in brigandine sheets.

Pound leather and shadow

to a stiff segmentata.

Be corset-pinched.

Clad in devices,

night will rise like a wound,

duty bronzed to paldrons

hulking your shoulders.

When your bad decisions are fused

with chain mail and you're dueling

in the silence of thieves,

go at the world in stone.

Fear is a long-revered tradition.

In the carbon-dark, language

is harnessed in its helm

as "order" from the Latin ordo

means closed circle.

Be plate-sealed,

protected as a priest's halberd

wielding against a cauldron

of medicine.

Or lie naked in the dandelions,

pained with sensation.

-Over and Out-

Snippets from a Fun Weekend

Just got back from a nice weekend in the Mountains of Colorado. Daniel golfed, I got to shop in Oldtown Fort Collins (my favorite shopping place in the world), and we hiked, fished, cooked and relaxed and it was all glorious.

And though I wished I could have stayed longer and not had to work, it was nice to be back in my own bed last night. No place like home, I suppose. :-)

So here is today's Haikuesday helping.

Daniel's Celebrity Commentary

"It's Crowe vs. Quaid!"

Supreme Court Decision or

Meg Ryan's Love Life?

Drew's Lament

He woke up singing

"It's too late to 'pologize..."

Now we sing it too.

Vacation Ends...

Napping on my couch

Wearing ratty pajamas

So glad to be home.

Also, Charlie has pointed out that I should have been happy in the last post because he and my sister are coming home. So just for clarification: I am happy. :-) Love you both and can't wait for you to come home too.

-Over and Out-

The Big Stuff

Yesterday evening I helped my sister-in-law make cute little signs for her Kindergarten students. We made a N is for Noodles girl and glued pasta all over with Elmer’s Glue. Honestly, if teaching was just doing arts and crafts projects and not actually dealing with children, I would have been perfect for it. Luckily for Hayley, she is great with the kids too, so she gets the best of both worlds. J

Hanging out last night led me to ponder a few big life moments. Hayley is having several lately. She graduated with her teaching degree in May, started her first teaching job a few weeks ago, and she and Clayton are expecting their first baby in January. Is it possible for me to be more happy for them? Nope. When I think about them as parents, my smile pretty much pops off my face and runs around hugging random strangers.

And the happy doesn’t stop there either. Another friend is having a baby in November (with a Baby Shower to be held at my house soon), and today I found out that a long time friend had finally proposed to his long-time girlfriend. Joy is abounding in my friendship circle. Hooray!

So in honor of the big stuff, your Haikuesday:

Clayton & Hayley
three hearts beat in time when
they are together

Taking the big plunge
Isn’t quite as frightening
with your best friend there

Wiping dirty butts
Cleaning up vomit and spit
Glad to be an aunt. ;-)

Also, did you hear we are famous? My lovely friend Kamiah decided to write her own Haikus on her blog, Jane Austen Never Prepared Me For This, and she was inspired by our Haikuesday. Soon the whole world will be speaking in short 5/7/5 syllable sentences every Tuesday! My quest for Haikuesday World Domination is one step closer!!

Mwahahahaha…hahaha….ha…ummm…..

-Over and Out-

A Haikuesday Bluesday...

I am having a terrible time concentrating today. So instead of putting on headphones and blocking out the world to attempt to tackle the mountain of work on my desk, I've decided to reinstate Haikuesday. Here are a few Haikus regarding why I'm having a hard time getting any work done today.

The Annoying Co-Workers
a set of 3 haikus
(By Me)

Want to whisper next

to my desk and drive me mad?

Great. The line forms there.

Ears hear: Murmering

My head thinking: Murdering

Can I go home yet??

Turn up the music

But they just raise their voices

L. E. A. V. E.

And...they are still there.

My self control is being tested today. Hopefully, this time tomorrow I will be in the office and won't be on the run from the cops for taping everyone's mouths shut.

-Over and Out-

Muffins

In an effort to blog more, and for me to try new things with my blog, I've decided to post one of my all-time favorite recipes. So if you don't like cooking, deal with it. ;-)

When I cook, I generally do so with a lot of substitutions.

"This recipe needs more flour....and nuts. Mmmm."

"Mushrooms? Gross."

"Eh, that's probably enough Olive Oil."

But every once in awhile I come across a perfect recipe that requires no fiddling from me. Not only does it not need any additions or substitutions, it makes me have no desire at all to change it. I only want to eat it. Mmmmmmmm.

Beth's Favorite Banana Nut Muffins

(From Baked Alaska: Sweet Comforts from the North Country by Sarah Eppenbach)

My mom got me this cookbook when she visited Alaska several years ago, and it's been a go-to guide for a lot of great baked goods. But these muffins are the best.

Ingredients

1 1/2 Cups all-purpose flour

3/4 Cup sugar (plus additional for topping)

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

3/4 Cup chopped walnuts or pecans (I've tried both. Walnuts are my favorite)

1 egg

1/4 Cup milk

3 ripe, medium bananas, well-mashed (1 to 1 1/4 cups)

6 Tbsp butter, melted

Preheat the oven to 350 F. Grease a 12-cup muffin tin, or line with papers. (I also grease cause I think muffins with paper are un-American. Or at least un-Bethian. I use Wilton's Cake Release and I never have problems with sticking)

Sift the flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt into a large mixing bowl. (I hate to sift, so I never do. I just mix up all those ingredients with a whisk and it works fine) Stir in the nuts. In another bowl, beat the egg lightly, then mix in the milk, banana, and butter. Add to the dry ingredients all at once, and stir only until combined. Fill the muffin cups 2/3 full and bake 20 to 25 minutes, until browned.

Allow the muffins to rest in the pan 3 to 4 minutes before removing. Dip the tops in granulated sugar and place on a rack to finish cooling. (Or place on a plate, cut, butter and enjoy.)

-Over and Out-

For Kamiah

This is for you Kamiah!

(Check out Mia's blog for her sad story of not being able to grow flowers.)

And Kamiah, please don't take the song too seriously and start letting your flowers drink your blood. I'm almost positive that doesn't work in real life.

Almost...

-over and out-

See you in July

June is driving me
mad. So I'll see you after
the Fourth of July.


-over and out-

Power Outages in a Grand Scheme to Prevent Haikuesdays

What should have happened: Yesterday I went home with the intention of making a great Haikuesday update, finishing my Luminaria for Belinda’s Relay For Life, watching the Season Finale of Glee and starting on a special project for Theresa.

What actually happened was this: Came home to no lights, no computers, no television, no internets, NO POWER. Sooooo we went to a bar and watched a baseball game.

When we came home at 10:30 we found the power on, but because I had to finish my luminaria, it took precedence over all else. I finished that at 12:30, went to bed, and woke up this morning to realize I had missed another Haikuesday.

My Conclusion: The heavens are conspiring against my Haikuesdays. Obviously they realize the power my little haikus generate throughout the world. Probably just one of my Haikus read aloud (maybe the one about Mr. Rhino) could topple the Pyramids of Egypt.

I have one thing to say to the Heavens.

SCREW YOU!

This haiku topples
historic landmarks just like
zombies gobble brains

-over and out-

Haikunesday 6-2-2010

Just as I promised

Though I'm a little bit late

It's Haikuin' Time

"It's Haiku-nes-day!"

Does NOT have quite the ring of

"Happy Haikuesday!"

So as you can tell, I've been a busy little bee lately, and that's pretty much the only reason I would have delayed my weekly Haikuesday post. But with a very fun trip to Minneapolis this past weekend, and with choir practice, choir performances, baseball games, and work, I've been having trouble just remembering where I need to be and what day it is.

Oh Minnesota

Land of Rachel and Molly

And fun times galore

Rally your glasses

Nerd and Lumberjack want YOU

To cheer for The Saints!

NEED - rolling shoe rack,

magnetic knife strip and the

rest of IKEA

Iowa is nice

But DAMN it takes a long time

from Top to Bottom

Things are looking a bit brighter for the weekend, and although I'll be pretty busy for the next few weeks, they will be a good busy! I have a Treblemaker's (the small group from the Women's Chorus) performance on Sunday, then I have wedding things to accomplish for my friend Theresa. (She's getting married on the 19th!) But for now, I'm headed to bed to sleep on my new IKEA goose down pillow. zzzzzzzz

-over and out-

Delayed Transmission

An Apology

The Holiday of Yesterday
Has thrown my schedule into the loo.
I keep thinking it’s the month of May
So I'm pushing back my day of Haiku.

So, dear reader, please don't feel betrayed
if Haikuesday you cannot find
For it has only been a bit delayed
To ease my frazzled mind.

On Wednesday of this week only
We'll have Haikus galore
And though Haikuesnesday sounds pretty homely
It's just something we'll have to ignore.

-Over and Out-

Towelday and Haikuesday 5/25/2010

In memory of Douglas Adams and all his work, I've compiled some various poetry by him, about him and by me about his work. Enjoy!

I Teleported Home One Night

(From The Restaurant at the End of the Universe)

I teleported home one night
With Ron and Sid and Meg
 Ron stole Meggie's heart away
 And I got Sidney's leg.
 

Marvin's Lullabies
(
From Life, the Universe, and Everything)
Now the world has gone to bed,
Darkness won't engulf my head, 
I can see by infrared,
How I hate the night. 

 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 Try to count electric sheep,
 Sweet dream wishes you can keep,
 How I hate the night. 
 

Vogon Poetry (Ahhhh!!!)

(From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,

Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!

My Favorite Part (by Me)
My favorite part

Arthur discovering flight

Then finding Fenchurch

Sandwiching (by Me)

Making sandwiches

Seems like an awfully good job

when you are lonely

-over and out-